"If God invented anything better than pussy he must've kept it for himself." - Jerry Lee Lewis
I Guess Pansexual is the Only Word for Me
Before I came out I couldn't fantasize about women without including a guy. I only know this because I told a friend who reminded me. What an ignoramus!
That I lived with a woman for five years - exceeding all my relationships with guys combined by a heft margin - added stress to my relationship with Charles for longer than I'd expected.
Bisexuality should offer more options for making and finding love. But if you are open about it the people you'd most like to meet may be scared away.
I guess there's the fear that if you enjoy the company of sex other than your lover you are sitting their wishing you had the other flavor.
For straight women there is probably a fear of AIDS.
Any gay man who has been left for a woman never forgets it. There was a lovable sweet guy that I was corresponding with. He lived just far enough away that we couldn't meet easily. In my old website I mentioned how I'd recently come to admire black women: their erect posture, their uninhibited sense of style. That scared him to no end. Eventually he'd retreat and never answer my emails.
And there all the bisexual married men wanting to commit adultery. The latter certainly changed my image of the word bisexual.
Eventually I'd realize that any sense of gender, any gender configuration was equally lovable would move me to pansexual. If you can really enjoy any person for who they are you aren't limited to one or two conventional genders. Nor do you have to force another into a gender norm.
Their humorless desire to recapitulate dated gender ideas was my biggest disappointment with crossdressing men. Their vision of womanhood was "take me, use me, abuse me." Not that there aren't perfectly healthy women who don't want to be 'taken.' But too often the ostensibly strong man is gone leaving her to raise the outcome of their coupling. No one is stronger than a single mother.
I've often wondered why men's identification with women seems to identify femininity with being the one who pleases the other. Healthy folks want to please. For some men pleasing probably feels masculine. But a large segment of strongly feminine-identified men seem to incline towards submissiveness ("Take me like the bitch I am!") and masochism.
NB: I don't think their anything wrong with BDSM. I call myself a pansexual switch. Switch means that I can enjoy either side of a power-exchange or S&M experience. (When I was single-and-looking I had three separate web sites about my sexuality.) And I know that I'm generalizing from my very limited sampling. This is a personal ramble, no pretensions to social science.
The implied pervasive image of women and feminine people as submissive does but me a little.
Another generalization: there are more tops than bottoms. That is certainly what you see scanning chat rooms, clubs, and personals. And more bottoms that can be 'versatile.' The last isn't surprising I suspect many tops have a straightacting.com style hang-up about their manliness. Some may just fear pain from penetration. I remember one friend who spent weeks preparing himself to be fucked by his lover. He used candles, going to progressively larger ones until he felt ready. All a guy has to do is relax. Until Charles I'd been on bottom only once. I put my fear aside, relaxed and its never been a problem. Sex tip of the day.
There've been a couple of interruptions while I've been writing this. I'd started wanting to write about bi/pansexuality and drifted away. Living with Siobhan I didn't think about other people sexually. My strongly monogamous nature overrode the roving eye.
After she was gone I felt more heterosexual desire than I ever had hitherto. I developed physical crushes on three TV actresses: Cybille Shephard (she's pretty cool, nothing odd there), Shelly Long (matter of taste) and Heather Locklear (just a bimbo, kind of embarrassing). Aside from blondeness and visibility I don't know if they have anything in common. Probably just a case of woman lost, woman desired.
I receded into asexuality, with a slightly gay bias. I always noticed frail or fem guys who came into the shop.
When my sexuality announced its return I was on the internet. So I took advantage of the huge archives of naked people. Both male and female. Eerily enough I found more female photos that I liked than male. This surprised me. But plenty of lovely women have had their photo taken for money. Many men as well but they always seem anything but appealing to me.
Sideband thoughts.
Women: I've never developed a type. I'm fascinated by women's breasts. But I don't mean big ones. The variety fascinates me. Silicone injections, flat, pert, drooping. I can't think of a part of a guy's anatomy that varies so much. In looking at centerfolds I did find their were women with a particular curvature of the waist that made me feel as though I should procreate. That is not a gloss for copulate. A fragment of genetic conditioning?
I did notice that I found athletic women - a tan and a bicep - attractive in a fashion I never did similar men.
Guys: After living with a woman I found myself open to the attractiveness of a few masculine men. Some like Frank Sepe, are just a steroid-enhanced edition of the pretty boys I've always been drawn to. And a few more ordinarily butch guys. But they never set a song going in my heart the way a soft guy does. So I kept looking for Chris Atkins types, preferably with long hair.
Transvestites: There were a few that drew me. But only one whose images of himself, geeky, tough, sensitive; herself, sweet and sultry seemed to be the epitome of androgyny.
The above sounds a little dehumanizing, as though I was ordering takeout.
My sexuality wandered and wandered. It was as ILikeFrailGuysNC I'd meet Charles. I'd rhapsodize his wrists when we first met, so thin and frail.This hasn't worked out the way that I'd intended. What I wanted to say is that along the course of my life I've felt every desire attributed to any gender (or intra-gender). Both sides of any power exchange. I'm happily male. But could've easily been just as agreeably female.