S&M, D/s aren't crazy pleasures
Every now and again I've described myself as a pansexual switch. My guess is the second word has been mostly invisible.
Then again long ago I did make entries about a couple of experiences. Which probably is why I once had so many WIITWD (what it is that we do) folks reading my journal.
That I had a submissive, masochistic side was something I learned within a year of discovering that I'm attracted to guys.
On moving to the Big City (Atlanta) I went into a porno shop. Stores with "XXX" painted on their opaque windows were in their heydey. Atlanta had zillions. Everybody knew who owned them. Mike Theivis (something like that), a branch of the St. Louis mafia who lived in a mansion surrounded by barbed wire and security guards.
They'd all go away when Atlanta got a new D.A. The same one that caused Larry Flynt to send an anonymous black envelope inviting you to subscribe Hustler to every single citizen of the two county area.
I went into the porno store and bought a stack of gay tabloids. One of which was The Advocate back in the days when it was pretty cheap looking and derived most of its income from personal ads.
The others proved to be downright trash. Educational trash. I'd never have guessed anything like butt plugs existed (to this day I can't envision one without bodily discomfort). The Advocate aside I never bought any of them again and I half-doubt it their like still exists. Nowadays gay men can enjoy the same sterile sensuality as a Playboy reader and the cleansed masculinity of the Playgirl buyer.
One of the trashy tabloids had a story where a guy was dominated and spanked. A long span of imagery stretching back to my kidhood harmonized and I saw appetites I'd never suspected. I felt getting spanked sounded keen.
(I remember a bunch of guys I found attractive after I discovered my adoration of guys. They were all soft and unmanly, not that I'd been sharp enough to discern that. My feelings for them have mostly been distinct from the what I'm talking about.)
Feeling disgust at the Army, fear of prisons and insane asylums, anything that might part me from an instant of control of my life I wasn't about to let someone tie me up. When I worked for the gay newspaper I went to every gay bar, disco and dive in Atlanta. The gay men in leather drag never aroused me. The combination of butch attire and Oh Mary gestures just made me smile. Stylized costume had nothing to do with the desires that I'd discovered.
Even though I moved shortly thereafter to San Francisco, the most 'leather' aware and accepting city in North America I never tried to repeat the experience. As I'd actually understand years later a guy with a limp wrist could without even trying wrap me around his finger and me get me to smiling do whatever he wanted. Even if I wasn't sexually attracted to a queen (to revert to the word of the time) I'd always be more patient, more attentive than I could ever be to a straight-acting stranger. (Yeah, I know you must be sick this this hearing this, can't help it.)
So I let this component of my sexuality lie fallow and neglected.
Later I met a pretty 16 year old who taught me that I liked the other side. Spanking him, having him bring me my Army boots with his teeth before I made him lick them was lots of fun. I liked being dominant, agressive, even mildly sadistic. The first two meshed perfectly with how my sex life had worked out. Good, clean fun that I never felt a need to followed it up. Even though I could've had many a breathtakingly lovely twink who'd've otherwise never given me a glance.
My bias towards saccharine romance had taken over. I have ambiguous feelings about that. Idealistic yearnings are an easy path to damnation. And I was naive to assume that D/s excluded romantic love.
I was being true to myself and life as I conceived it back then so I don't fault myself.
I'd learn that absolute control of another, even slapping her or him in the face doesn't necessary exclude tendeness and affection. And for many is the only way to be fulfilled and happy.
Quirky Generalizations about BDSM
When I wrote my entry about BDSM I'd wanted to add what I'll hope you'll forgive me for too loftily calling the erotics of power exchange (been reading too much academic stuff).
My guesses of the origin of D/s play: growing up with the power exchange between your parents. Maybe you identify with your mom or dad's dominance in the relationship (unequivocal in my own case). Identifying with the control, maybe brutality or the passivity, even suffering of one of the two.
Maybe submissives have an early erotic moment when whipped. Perhaps nascent dominants thrill seeing someone else punished. You don't ordinarly think of it as such but punishment is a very intimate event. In the case of a whipping it is an early experience of a action and response between two bodies.
Lots of people go through this and turn out vanilla. Who we become is in the inaccessible details.
Big time generalities.
Male submissives, gay and het, have the strongest appetite for pain.
Most gay dominants are sadists so it isn't a problem.
Dominant women are drawn to genuine self-surrender. This doesn't necessarily imply inflicting pain. It can involve a giving up of the submissive's own desires - complete obedience.
Often the heterosexual male submissive's pleasure in pain makes him try to control the session. Which is hardly self-surrender.
Seemingly contradictorily malesubs are often willing to express an opinion about the routine matters of going out, managing the house. The times a dominant woman wants a partner wants her partner to act as an equal.
The two most common reasons for Femdom/malesub relationships failing.
Ejaculation control is is a common part of Femdom. Many malesubs were elaborate chastity devices and go weeks or months without an orgasm. The female sodomizing the male with a strap-on is a part of Femdom that kind of baffles me since I don't see any loss of self-respect in getting fucked. Having the malesub wear women's clothing does set me back. Much of who I am came from identifying with my momma. Humilation from wearing a woman's clothing just seems sexist.
There are far fewer dominant women than heterosexual malesubs. Which is why many dominant women who don't fit the social norm for appealing womanhood can have handsome men at their feet.
I've known gay submissives who wanted to be beaten and sodomized by men they think ugly because it adds to the excitement of their humilation.
What struck me the most about gay Masters is a ferocious desire for control. Unlike straight sadists there's no understanding of the need for sane negotiation. Any attempt to establish a dialogue causes them to flee in wrath.
Female submissives may have the hardest time finding the right dominant partner. They have an awful time finding a Master who can be both caring and controlling. Even though they are often lonely het dominants often rarely seem able to walk the narrow path their women want.
Many femsubs want the security of monogamy. But straight Masters are too involved with their desire to build a harem. Neglecting at least one partner. And the seemingly inevitable straight man's desire to watch two women make love. Many straight femsubs force themselves. Or try. The relationship often abends.
You'd think I had more to say about gay S&M. As 'sexual outsiders' gay men are more familiar with the peculiarities of desire. The eerie aspect of the familiarity is that the men involved often focus on their specific fetishes. The differing desires for bondage and humiliation instead of pain and water-sports can be as prosiac as the mismatches between wanting anal or oral sex.
Sadly I think many gay men's submissive fantasies emerge when they are young and horny and want to make it with some straight classmate in high school or college. So their fantasies wend toward being humilated for being gay. Or a 'pussy boy' as the stories on the Nifty Archive have it.